In my recent forays into romance, I have witnessed new things and been inspired to grow as a person and as a significant other. It is interesting (and beneficial, I might add!) to evaluate my relationship in the broader context, and see if it follows certain trends (for the record, to interested parties, it hasn't following the common trend of lack of communication and commitment, and promises something much more fulfilling). One of the key bits of tacit knowledge is about relationship phases, where a couple advances in growth and goes through different stages, each of which exhibiting unique dynamics and behavior.
The traditional theory is that relationships begin with an initial attraction phase, a 'honeymoon' phase of no-holds-barred romance, a 'settle down' awakening phase in which both people begin to grow together and troubleshoot, and finally a deep commitment phase in which a relationship generally becomes long-lasting. I will detail these phases below into a distilled series of thoughts that go through people's minds during each phase.
Initial: I think you're amazing.
Honeymoon: I think you're more amazing than anyone else in the whole wide world and universe and of all time!
'Settle Down:' I don't like everything about you. Oh yeah, something about being amazing here.
Committed: I don't like everything about you, but I still love you.
Long lasting: I don't like everything about you, but I love everything about you.
However, I think it is too simplistic to say that the last three phases, past the honeymoon period, are so much 'phases' as they are reiterative processes that constantly run. You start in relationship bliss, encounter a problem, solve the problem, and return to bliss again stronger and better prepared for the future. For many couples, the hold up (often facilitated by poor communication, distrust, and other such things) is on 'encounter a problem' (in which a couple can't admit there is a problem in the first place) or 'solve the problem' (in which a couple can't compromise and reach mutually agreeable solution). After the honeymoon is over, this circular process repeats forever.
As a couple is composed of two different people, conflict will always be present simply because both parties are different. This can be seen as the 'problems,' whether they are as simple as one being a sore loser during Scrabble, or one being emotionally distant. What matters in this process, however, is summed up by the 'Oh yea, something about being amazing here' line in the above distilled version; the constant knowledge of why the relationship was there in the first place. It pains me as a person often to hear couples state that they don't remember the reasons why they were formed, and in my romantic life, I remain aware of what had initially attracted me to someone in the first place. Maybe it is that competitive fire that pissed me off now, but kept me motivated and going in times of true crises. Maybe it is that self-critical nature which pisses her off now but drives both people to improve and become a stronger couple and keeps things growing.
The point is, relationships aren't composed on distinct '5' or '4' or even '100' stages. Relationships are a process that change us, allow us to grow, and expose us to new things. Finding the one to spend that process with means finding the match that will be with us for the long term, and the one that we trust to know ourselves better than we do. In this sense, perhaps it is inaccurate to state whether a relationship is in phase 1 or 5, but more accurate to state a relationship exists. There are X stages, and our focus shouldn't be on what X is, or what we want X to be, but on maintaining love and commitment throughout X.
If you haven't figured this out by now, I've fallen in love. I'm not sure which iteration of X I'm in right now, but the commitment I've made and the subsequent fulfillment I feel allows me to go through even X to the over 9000th power and still be happier than I've ever been.
Today is sunny, but too warm, hence I am lazy.
Cheers.
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Agreed about your views on relationships. I think too many people are obsessed with categories and characterization of who they are and what they are like with others. I never really understood it myself - it is it what it is, let it all grow on its own.
ReplyDeleteAnyways hope you're going for it =P.